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00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:37,329
Good evening, it's wonderful to be with
you for this special Christmas show,

2
00:00:37,330 --> 00:00:40,569
isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed it is, and in a
packed programme tonight, we shall be

3
00:00:40,570 --> 00:00:44,189
meeting a Scotsman who ate the usual
turkey today, and we'll be asking him

4
00:00:44,190 --> 00:00:45,330
he doesn't buy a new one.

5
00:00:47,470 --> 00:00:51,989
I'll be talking to the Polegate branch
of the Animal Liberation Front, who

6
00:00:51,990 --> 00:00:56,049
rescued thousands of turkeys and intend
to release them into the wild as soon as

7
00:00:56,050 --> 00:00:57,100
they're defrosted.

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00:00:58,490 --> 00:00:59,570
But first, the news.

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00:00:59,571 --> 00:01:03,879
At a specially convened Geneva Christmas
conference, President Reagan brought

10
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:08,059
his guitar, Mr Gorbachev brought his
balalaika, and Mrs Thatcher brought her

11
00:01:08,060 --> 00:01:09,110
comb and paper.

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The meeting was said to be harmonious.

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News has just come in from Sussex that
firemen have freed the drunken bell

14
00:01:17,780 --> 00:01:22,039
ringer who forgot to let go of the rope
and caught his ding -dong merrily on

15
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,090
high.

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00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:28,319
But now a seasonal sketch in which Mr
Ronnie Corbett appears as little Jack

17
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,550
Horner sitting on a tuffet with Miss
Muffet.

18
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First she shares her curds with him, and
then she has her way with him.

19
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Afternoon, Doctor.

20
00:01:47,410 --> 00:01:51,130
Hello. Champion that you can see me,
it's a short notice.

21
00:01:51,330 --> 00:01:52,890
Well, that's all right, lad.

22
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Me name's... Do come in, Siddharth, and
sit this end down, aye.

23
00:01:58,430 --> 00:02:04,259
You! I know, I've just had Josiah
Ackroyd's lurcher in here having pups

24
00:02:04,260 --> 00:02:07,160
nose. Fair takes the breath away,
doesn't he?

25
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Nay, nay, Pew, me name is Pew.

26
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Oh, I see. I rang thee on the telephone
about me tortoise. Oh, well, he's

27
00:02:16,460 --> 00:02:20,059
nothing like as maybe I remember now,
yes. Let's have a look at the little

28
00:02:20,060 --> 00:02:23,579
fellow. What's the matter with him then,
says he? Well, you see, he's just not

29
00:02:23,580 --> 00:02:26,300
been feeling himself of late, I know.

30
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,710
Well, that's not but divvying it with a
tortoise, you know.

31
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In fact, well, I am possible with them
little stumpy legs.

32
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Yeah, you see, he's not been feeling
himself, and I just reckon he may be a

33
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,240
martyr to some kind of mental stressor.

34
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Maybe we all are, eh? What's to say?

35
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Let's have a little gander at this camp
then, Sither. Come on, get him out. Oh,

36
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:55,210
well, he's been acting... He's been
acting re -queer, you know.

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Fair mithers me, you see. Yeah.

38
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You see, I'm fair mithers.

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I'm fair mithers, you see, because his
little legs and little head have been

40
00:03:14,410 --> 00:03:16,300
tucked out of sight all day.

41
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:22,480
It's as if he's got kind of fed up for
living, you know what I mean?

42
00:03:23,020 --> 00:03:26,500
I mean, has ever seen Outlook so
dejected?

43
00:03:27,060 --> 00:03:29,860
Well, only in the British Rail Buffet.

44
00:03:31,860 --> 00:03:32,910
Then pardon?

45
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:37,360
Well, you see, Mr. Pew, yon's none of
tortoise.

46
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:44,199
Yon's none of tortoise? What do you
mean? Yon's none of tortoise. I say,

47
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:47,260
none of tortoise. Yon's a meat pie.

48
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A meat pie.

49
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,760
I'm a meat pie. Get away.

50
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:57,200
Oh, I'm telling thee, it's no but
factual.

51
00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:01,880
Yon's a meat pie, and I'd swear that on
me mother's whippet's grave.

52
00:04:02,940 --> 00:04:07,140
Say, thou must be bleeding yourself to
head. Yon's a tortoise, and no mistake.

53
00:04:07,460 --> 00:04:10,740
Listen, if yon's a tortoise, thine's a
chinaman.

54
00:04:11,370 --> 00:04:15,100
I tell you, if one's a meat pie, then
thine's another giant. All right, then.

55
00:04:15,230 --> 00:04:19,569
All right. Up and we'll test it with a
lettuce test. What's to say, eh? Fair

56
00:04:19,570 --> 00:04:20,620
enough. Yes.

57
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Up and lettuce test will settle matters.

58
00:04:23,010 --> 00:04:25,830
Right -o. Here we go, then. Give it
lettuce test.

59
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Yes, lettuce test.

60
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Ha!

61
00:04:44,390 --> 00:04:48,289
It has eaten a little bit, hasn't it?
Oh, of course it hasn't. That little

62
00:04:48,290 --> 00:04:53,970
was in the lettuce to start with, you
barnpot. No, that is a meat pie, admit

63
00:04:54,310 --> 00:04:58,729
Gee, there's no but right the noise.
It's once a meat pie. I'm bound thinking

64
00:04:58,730 --> 00:05:00,290
there's no mistakes, is there?

65
00:05:00,810 --> 00:05:02,250
Just a moment, though.

66
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If it's once a meat pie, what have I
left in the oven

67
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warming up for me dinner?

68
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It's time you got a new suit, you know.

69
00:05:28,590 --> 00:05:30,390
You're beginning to look shabby.

70
00:05:33,730 --> 00:05:35,810
The suit was made to measure.

71
00:05:37,870 --> 00:05:40,650
But the bloke didn't pick it up, so I
had it.

72
00:05:42,750 --> 00:05:45,810
You've worn that jacket ever since I
knew you.

73
00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:47,480
I know, I know.

74
00:05:48,250 --> 00:05:50,250
This was my wedding suit.

75
00:05:50,910 --> 00:05:53,030
Oh, you was married in all, was you?

76
00:05:53,230 --> 00:05:54,280
Yeah, yeah.

77
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My wife was like the ocean.

78
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She was wild and restless and she made
me sick.

79
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:06,330
Any kids?

80
00:06:07,190 --> 00:06:08,790
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

81
00:06:09,110 --> 00:06:12,310
I don't know how, though. She was so
daft.

82
00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:18,170
When I suggested a family, she went out
and pulled up all the gooseberry bushes.

83
00:06:20,690 --> 00:06:24,410
Having kids with her was like waiting
for a bus.

84
00:06:25,230 --> 00:06:28,310
Nothing happened for ages, then three
come along.

85
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How triplish you are.

86
00:06:33,950 --> 00:06:35,000
Yeah, yeah.

87
00:06:35,310 --> 00:06:37,750
Of course, they're all grown up now.

88
00:06:38,450 --> 00:06:39,690
What were they?

89
00:06:40,210 --> 00:06:41,270
One of each.

90
00:06:42,210 --> 00:06:44,830
A boy, a girl and an hairdresser.

91
00:06:55,310 --> 00:06:59,369
This series, Ron and I thought we'd
treat ourselves to the very best of both

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00:06:59,370 --> 00:07:04,009
worlds, so we asked two of Britain's top
singer -songwriters to join us. They

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00:07:04,010 --> 00:07:08,989
are Barbara Dixon and Phil Collins.
Tonight, gentlemen first, I'm delighted

94
00:07:08,990 --> 00:07:13,649
welcome the driving force behind the
group, Genesis, and with his Oscar

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00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:18,149
-nominated theme from the hit movie
Against All Odds, ladies and gentlemen,

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00:07:18,150 --> 00:07:19,200
Collins.

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How can I just let you walk away? Just
let you leave without a trace.

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When I stand here taking every breath
with you.

99
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You're the only one who really knew me
at all.

100
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How can you just walk away?

101
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Cause we shared the laughter and the
pain and even shed the tears.

102
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You're the only one who really knew me
at all.

103
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Turn around, turn around and see me cry.

104
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There's so much I need to say to you.

105
00:09:16,020 --> 00:09:21,000
So many reasons why you're there.

106
00:10:09,290 --> 00:10:10,340
and you have

107
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,360
stand there all on your own.

108
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:07,780
That's Hamish.

109
00:11:11,780 --> 00:11:12,830
Currently Peter.

110
00:11:15,940 --> 00:11:20,359
Hamish, this is Peter. Peter Hamish. How
do you do? You two have got so much in

111
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:21,410
common.

112
00:11:22,220 --> 00:11:24,400
I must pop off and do my hair.

113
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:31,180
Hamish, did Valerie say?

114
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:32,410
That's right, yes.

115
00:11:33,390 --> 00:11:34,440
Scottish? Uh -huh.

116
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Not Irish?

117
00:11:37,890 --> 00:11:38,940
No.

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Oh.

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Pity.

120
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In what way? Well, Irish is rhyming
slang.

121
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Oh, yes.

122
00:11:47,310 --> 00:11:48,360
Irish jig.

123
00:11:52,050 --> 00:11:54,270
I don't know any rhyming slang.

124
00:11:54,970 --> 00:11:56,110
No, no, do I really?

125
00:11:56,330 --> 00:11:57,790
I'm not a cockney, you know.

126
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I'm from Barnet.

127
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:14,180
Barnet is Valerie's maiden name, isn't
it? Barnet, yes. And she's fair, you

128
00:12:14,181 --> 00:12:15,659
She's not fair. She's a brunette.

129
00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:17,219
Well, she's blonde underneath.

130
00:12:17,220 --> 00:12:18,720
Oh, I wouldn't know about that.

131
00:12:21,780 --> 00:12:25,140
So tell me, which town in Scotland do
you come from?

132
00:12:25,340 --> 00:12:27,220
You know, Ayr, I suppose, is it?

133
00:12:27,221 --> 00:12:32,359
Ayr? Why do you mention Ayr? What's so
special about Ayr? Well, nothing,

134
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,459
nothing, nothing particularly.

135
00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:36,280
It's a very nice town, Ayr. You know, I
understand.

136
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It grows on you.

137
00:12:39,401 --> 00:12:43,039
I come from somewhere quite different.

138
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,090
Oh, really? Where?

139
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,230
Wigton in Wigton.

140
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:50,979
Wigton in Wigton. On the River Wig. I
don't see anything funny about that at

141
00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:52,860
all. It's a very thriving town.

142
00:12:53,260 --> 00:12:57,600
My company... Tell me, what business are
you in? I'm a rug maker.

143
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,660
I make rugs, that's all.

144
00:13:00,661 --> 00:13:03,959
I don't see anything funny about that.
Very necessary things, rugs. What do you

145
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,159
do? I suppose you do something very
vital, do you? Something wildly

146
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,440
do you? Well, I work for British
Aerospace.

147
00:13:11,470 --> 00:13:12,690
I work in the wind tunnel.

148
00:13:15,630 --> 00:13:19,249
Yes, I work in the... I move the
position of the little aeroplane in the

149
00:13:19,250 --> 00:13:22,469
tunnel. Oh, I don't believe you. What
with the wind blowing? Well, sometimes,

150
00:13:22,470 --> 00:13:25,180
yes. Oh, doesn't it tend to be a bit
troublesome at all?

151
00:13:25,410 --> 00:13:27,820
No, not really. Oh, doesn't it blow
things away?

152
00:13:27,970 --> 00:13:31,530
No. Oh, come off it. Your glue can't be
as strong as that.

153
00:13:31,850 --> 00:13:33,390
What are you talking about?

154
00:13:33,391 --> 00:13:37,189
What am I talking about? Why don't you
face up to reality? You're wearing a

155
00:13:37,190 --> 00:13:40,030
I am not. This is one of the worst wigs
I've ever seen.

156
00:13:41,390 --> 00:13:42,650
It looks like a doormat.

157
00:13:42,930 --> 00:13:45,710
I'm not wearing a wig. You're the one
who's wearing a wig.

158
00:13:45,930 --> 00:13:47,070
I deny that.

159
00:13:47,071 --> 00:13:50,609
You are wearing one of the worst wigs I
have ever seen in the whole wide world.

160
00:13:50,610 --> 00:13:53,320
It's like a hat. Well, yours looks like
a ginger cow pat.

161
00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:57,550
I shall poo yours off. Well, I'll stuff
yours down the laboratory.

162
00:13:57,750 --> 00:13:59,310
Now, come on, chaps, break it up.

163
00:13:59,510 --> 00:14:01,250
Keep your hair on. Ah, sure.

164
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:39,839
Yes, but change that terrible music.
That sitar gets absolutely on my wits. I

165
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:43,480
will change it. I will change it. I can
never recognize the tune.

166
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:47,310
Ah.

167
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:54,899
In the rocking little village of
Battersea, there's a groovy little cup

168
00:14:54,900 --> 00:14:58,939
the Pink Rupi. Where we're selling every
night food to eat or take, we've got

169
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:02,099
tandoori dishes like your mother used to
make. We're talking crab.

170
00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:03,580
Kebab. Frothy beer on top.

171
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:06,280
Lambriani. Pakistani papadummer up.

172
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:13,259
Oh, the women, they are coming from as
far as Patni to nibble my naan and to

173
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:17,999
chew my chutney. My cashmere flan with a
pear and a peach refreshes the parts

174
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,280
other tarts can't read.

175
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:26,719
We got onion -barty deep -fried toast to
bring tears to your eyes and a lump to

176
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:30,659
your throat. Oh, my cauliflower booner
is quite first -class, but you sure fall

177
00:15:30,660 --> 00:15:32,240
down on your chicken madras.

178
00:15:43,060 --> 00:15:44,110
Oh,

179
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:49,759
a lot of bigwigs make a stop at our shop
when they hurry for a curry with this

180
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:50,810
Indian dog.

181
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:58,959
Last week Ted Rogers was here having
fun. He sat

182
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,960
and ate from three to one.

183
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,480
He was stuffing it in.

184
00:16:03,770 --> 00:16:06,110
Finished up with a pain in his dusty
bins.

185
00:16:08,590 --> 00:16:11,430
We got posh, nosh, not shiny or just.

186
00:16:11,730 --> 00:16:13,970
Very nice spicy rice, papadum rock.

187
00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:16,470
Bamboo, chewy gooey, pickles and puff.

188
00:16:16,830 --> 00:16:21,409
Hot and squishy Bangladesh, papadum
rock. Oh, buddy, all this talk of food.

189
00:16:21,410 --> 00:16:23,089
making me famished. I know, absolutely.

190
00:16:23,090 --> 00:16:25,809
I want my dinner now, if I may. Yes, you
want the usual. Yes, please, I have the

191
00:16:25,810 --> 00:16:29,350
baked beans on too. Oh, the baked beans,
I love the native food, yes.

192
00:16:47,930 --> 00:16:52,030
1920, and the act of prohibition sends
shockwaves throughout America.

193
00:16:52,390 --> 00:16:56,929
One by one, the nation's liquor stores
are forced to close down, and even a

194
00:16:56,930 --> 00:16:59,160
young Dean Martin has to come off the
bottle.

195
00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:10,189
But corruption and bribery are
widespread, and there are plenty of

196
00:17:10,190 --> 00:17:12,569
cheap booze if you know where to look.

197
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:25,730
Jobs are scarce.

198
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:30,420
Many men go short. But young Rocky
Stallone goes shorter than most.

199
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:39,119
After three years working as hat -check
boy in a confessional box, Stallone gets

200
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:42,620
a job as a two -bit cab driver in the
steamy back streets of Chicago.

201
00:18:03,690 --> 00:18:04,740
Hey, Matt.

202
00:18:04,930 --> 00:18:06,150
You do deliveries.

203
00:18:06,470 --> 00:18:07,520
I'd do anything.

204
00:18:08,090 --> 00:18:09,450
When's the baby due?

205
00:18:10,750 --> 00:18:12,290
Got the cracks busted.

206
00:18:12,890 --> 00:18:16,450
Take this to a guy called Tuxedo John.

207
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:22,269
He'll be waiting outside Macy's
Warehouse on Dockside. That big run

208
00:18:22,270 --> 00:18:23,650
where all the bums hang out?

209
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:25,020
That's him.

210
00:18:26,090 --> 00:18:27,290
What's in here, I know.

211
00:18:27,990 --> 00:18:29,070
Aftershave, brother.

212
00:18:29,130 --> 00:18:30,930
Just aftershave.

213
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:54,720
Is this old banger up for hire?

214
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,300
Sure. That makes two of us.

215
00:18:58,340 --> 00:19:01,920
You were looking for a little cheap
company?

216
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,060
I already worked for one.

217
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:06,220
Oh, come on, Mac.

218
00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:07,740
How's about it?

219
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,840
This month I'm giving away a free set of
wine glasses.

220
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:15,760
You know, you could have a real good
time for 200 bucks.

221
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,420
I ain't got two big ones on me.

222
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:19,940
I know the feeling.

223
00:19:20,771 --> 00:19:22,459
for Mr.

224
00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:23,510
Tuxedo Johnson.

225
00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:25,660
I got his aftershave for him.

226
00:19:26,380 --> 00:19:27,430
Aftershave?

227
00:19:27,820 --> 00:19:30,080
Oh, his aftershave.

228
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,800
You know him? Sure. He'll be out any
second.

229
00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:36,820
Okay, Eddie, this is it.

230
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:38,980
Time to start saying your prayers.

231
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,500
What's this creep doing here?

232
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,340
I thought I told you to keep watch.

233
00:19:57,420 --> 00:19:58,470
I did tell.

234
00:19:58,540 --> 00:20:00,660
He just come to bring you your
aftershave.

235
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:03,020
My aftershave? Oh, my aftershave, yeah.

236
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,240
What's wrong with your friend?

237
00:20:05,620 --> 00:20:09,140
Oh, he's just taking an afternoon nap.
He gets tired real easy.

238
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:11,999
Is that why you told him to start saying
his prayers?

239
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:15,279
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He likes
to say his prayers before he goes to

240
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,140
sleep. I like that. It's nice.

241
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:18,660
Give Moose Anne with it.

242
00:20:22,060 --> 00:20:23,110
Mr. Johnson?

243
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,380
What are you going to do with him?

244
00:20:25,420 --> 00:20:28,550
Oh, he likes to go for his afternoon
swim just around about now.

245
00:20:28,551 --> 00:20:32,699
Shouldn't we wake him up first? No, no,
no, no, no. He gets awful sore if you

246
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:34,399
wake him in the middle of his beauty
sleep.

247
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,450
Beauty sleep?

248
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:38,120
He must be some kind of insomniac.

249
00:20:55,621 --> 00:21:00,409
meant to be floating on his stomach like
that, Mr.

250
00:21:00,410 --> 00:21:01,460
Johnson?

251
00:21:03,150 --> 00:21:06,470
For a swimmer, he don't seem to be
moving very fast.

252
00:21:10,570 --> 00:21:12,350
Hey, Mr. Johnson, he's sunk.

253
00:21:12,930 --> 00:21:13,980
So are you, buddy.

254
00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:17,830
Come on. Where did they go? I didn't do
anything, officer.

255
00:21:18,150 --> 00:21:19,950
Yeah, and I'm Florence Nightingale.

256
00:21:20,650 --> 00:21:22,050
You smell of cheap liquor.

257
00:21:22,410 --> 00:21:23,790
Okay, let's go.

258
00:21:23,990 --> 00:21:25,330
But, officer Nightingale.

259
00:21:28,450 --> 00:21:32,689
Sentenced for a crime he did not commit,
Rocky Stallone commences the ten -year

260
00:21:32,690 --> 00:21:34,930
stretch in the dreaded state
penitentiary.

261
00:21:39,410 --> 00:21:43,589
He is forced to don the striped uniform
of a common convict, to live like an

262
00:21:43,590 --> 00:21:44,640
animal in a cage.

263
00:21:53,610 --> 00:21:56,530
Incarcerated in his lonely cell, he
counted the days.

264
00:21:57,050 --> 00:21:59,990
until he ran out of toilet paper and had
to improvise.

265
00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:07,930
Eventually, all those days were behind
him.

266
00:22:12,530 --> 00:22:16,190
Eight long years later, he is released
on parole.

267
00:22:23,570 --> 00:22:26,210
As the guard hands back his few...

268
00:22:26,410 --> 00:22:30,869
eager possessions, the moldy sandwich
only serves to remind him of the big

269
00:22:30,870 --> 00:22:32,450
cheese who put him inside.

270
00:22:36,850 --> 00:22:43,730
I hear Rocky just got out of the pen,

271
00:22:43,870 --> 00:22:44,920
boss.

272
00:22:46,410 --> 00:22:50,090
He's got a bullet with your name on it.
That little shrimp.

273
00:22:50,810 --> 00:22:53,390
I dip bigger than him in my boiled egg.

274
00:22:54,170 --> 00:22:55,370
You want to try it?

275
00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:06,080
of this from the loony wraparound of
Britain.

276
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,400
Why can't he use a telephone like
ordinary people?

277
00:23:15,260 --> 00:23:16,760
That's not particular advice.

278
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,340
Your days as a big... Is that a no or an
I?

279
00:23:22,620 --> 00:23:25,660
No. Your days as a big shot are
numbered.

280
00:23:29,130 --> 00:23:30,180
That's all he says.

281
00:23:30,610 --> 00:23:33,030
Looks like he plans to stitch you up,
Tux.

282
00:23:33,350 --> 00:23:34,610
What are you going to do?

283
00:23:35,350 --> 00:23:36,790
Patience, Joanie, patience.

284
00:23:37,190 --> 00:23:38,610
Two can play at that game.

285
00:23:39,170 --> 00:23:42,750
No, only one can play at patience, boss.

286
00:23:45,830 --> 00:23:46,880
Ow.

287
00:23:47,530 --> 00:23:48,580
That's smart.

288
00:23:51,470 --> 00:23:53,910
So, what are you going to do about
Rocky?

289
00:23:54,830 --> 00:23:58,929
I don't think we need to bother about
Rocky anymore. I just sent 12 of the

290
00:23:58,930 --> 00:24:01,590
around there to give him a little
welcome home party.

291
00:24:01,950 --> 00:24:03,070
Oh, my God.

292
00:24:25,420 --> 00:24:30,479
I appreciate you buying me my own
nightclub and my own orchestra and my

293
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,400
audience, but you've got to face it,
Tuck.

294
00:24:33,820 --> 00:24:35,080
I can't sing.

295
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:36,620
Of course you can, doll.

296
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:41,520
I'm going to knock them dead tonight,
and if you don't, I will.

297
00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:15,920
Listen, Joanie, I aim to get even with
Tuxedo.

298
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:20,240
And you can help me.

299
00:25:48,590 --> 00:25:49,640
Thanks, Louie.

300
00:25:50,790 --> 00:25:53,990
You think Rocky would try anything
tonight, boss?

301
00:25:54,430 --> 00:25:58,590
Listen, I got so many guns around this
joint, a cockroach couldn't get in.

302
00:25:59,370 --> 00:26:02,850
When would a cockroach want to come to a
nightclub, boss?

303
00:26:05,890 --> 00:26:10,050
To meet someone on his own intellectual
level, like you.

304
00:26:11,190 --> 00:26:12,650
Yeah, yeah.

305
00:26:18,510 --> 00:26:19,560
is coming to do it up.

306
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:35,630
You gonna throw me in for a swim like
you did, Eddie?

307
00:28:35,900 --> 00:28:38,700
Yeah. It's time for you to start saying
your prayers.

308
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:41,180
Because you're going for a sleep.

309
00:28:41,500 --> 00:28:42,550
The big sleep.

310
00:29:29,770 --> 00:29:35,330
Here's a rather amusing story about a
chap who goes to live in Bridlington.

311
00:29:35,810 --> 00:29:37,810
And, by the way, take no notice of this.

312
00:29:39,090 --> 00:29:42,040
I'm sorry it's here, but there's nothing
we can do about it.

313
00:29:42,050 --> 00:29:43,390
That's the BBC for you.

314
00:29:43,391 --> 00:29:47,269
You'd think the least they would do is
sweep the floor before you came on,

315
00:29:47,270 --> 00:29:48,049
wouldn't you?

316
00:29:48,050 --> 00:29:51,629
I mean, this would never have happened
under our old producer, you know, before

317
00:29:51,630 --> 00:29:54,040
he was put on the transfer list to Rugby
Special.

318
00:29:55,370 --> 00:29:58,500
He's been having a few marital problems,
by the way, recently.

319
00:29:58,501 --> 00:30:02,619
Apparently, since he's been out there
covering the rugby matches, he hasn't

320
00:30:02,620 --> 00:30:04,180
scored at home at all all season.

321
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:10,479
This joke concerns... Oh, it's pathetic,
is it really? I mean, as a matter of

322
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:14,379
fact, I did lodge a formal complaint
about this just before the show with the

323
00:30:14,380 --> 00:30:15,439
head of Light Entertainment.

324
00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:22,139
And I must say that his reply, nap off,
you four -eyed little plonker, did leave

325
00:30:22,140 --> 00:30:23,440
something to be desired.

326
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:28,739
I said, look... the audience out there
do not want to see some ugly great

327
00:30:28,740 --> 00:30:30,340
eyesore on the screen.

328
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:33,130
He said, I know, that's why we put the
packing case.

329
00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:39,639
He said, don't forget, your BBC contract
expires this week, so if I were you, he

330
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:43,879
said, I'd watch my step lofty. Well, I'm
not standing for this cavalier sort of

331
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:46,879
treatment anyway. I want to know what's
inside this damn thing. I mean, the one

332
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:50,559
consolation, the one good thing about
being a comedian is it's the one job

333
00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:51,939
they can't replace you with a machine.

334
00:30:51,940 --> 00:30:53,440
So we'll see what... Good evening.

335
00:30:56,780 --> 00:30:58,120
I don't believe this.

336
00:30:59,831 --> 00:31:01,239
For

337
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:16,059
goodness

338
00:31:16,060 --> 00:31:20,980
sake. Oh, I shouldn't have said that.
For goodness sake, don't encourage it.

339
00:31:20,981 --> 00:31:23,059
Technology gone mad. There we are. Get
off.

340
00:31:23,060 --> 00:31:24,110
Idea.

341
00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:26,940
idea that a machine like that can do
anything I can do.

342
00:31:27,140 --> 00:31:29,610
I wouldn't mind, but my wife has just
ordered one.

343
00:31:30,660 --> 00:31:37,579
Enough of this sophisticated repartee.
On with tonight's joke. Now, I am

344
00:31:37,580 --> 00:31:41,439
hoping this joke will cheer everyone up
because we are still all a bit upset

345
00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:46,599
here about that incident at lunchtime
when the BBC's lift operator was

346
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:50,299
sunbathing on top of the building and he
fell off the roof and stopped between

347
00:31:50,300 --> 00:31:51,680
the third and fourth floors.

348
00:31:53,370 --> 00:31:58,249
What with that and a tip -off that an
animal rights group had laced a bottle

349
00:31:58,250 --> 00:31:59,890
rat poison with some BBC coffee.

350
00:32:01,430 --> 00:32:03,470
It's all been a bit fraught.

351
00:32:03,670 --> 00:32:09,329
Now, once again, I have to admit this
joke is not entirely new. In fact, I was

352
00:32:09,330 --> 00:32:12,909
reminded of it the other day while
browsing through a copy of the Tortoise

353
00:32:12,910 --> 00:32:13,960
Gazette.

354
00:32:13,961 --> 00:32:17,549
I've just started taking it ever since I
was bought a tortoise, a racing

355
00:32:17,550 --> 00:32:21,879
tortoise. I've never had a real pet
before. You have to remember I was

356
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:23,439
up in a very poor and tough
neighborhood.

357
00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:27,050
I mean, my father used to ride shotgun
at a Tesco supermarket, probably.

358
00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:31,659
My goodness, where we lived, you could
be strip -searched going into a

359
00:32:31,660 --> 00:32:32,710
Tupperware party.

360
00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:38,880
I remember we used to live in constant
terror of the local gay mafia,

361
00:32:39,140 --> 00:32:41,620
run by the fairy godfather.

362
00:32:41,621 --> 00:32:47,069
If you refused to pay protection money,
a couple of the boys would come round

363
00:32:47,070 --> 00:32:48,510
and criticise your curtains.

364
00:32:51,230 --> 00:32:55,849
That has nothing to do with the joke I'm
going to tell you, which, as I say, is

365
00:32:55,850 --> 00:32:58,350
about a man who has just moved to
Bridlington.

366
00:32:59,070 --> 00:33:02,709
And, by the way, I must give a wave to
my wife at this point, because it was

367
00:33:02,710 --> 00:33:05,420
actually in Bridlington that we first
met, Anne and I.

368
00:33:05,710 --> 00:33:08,910
She was working on the beach at the
time, on the donkey rides.

369
00:33:08,911 --> 00:33:13,149
It was love at first sight. In fact, she
was so overcome with emotion, she very

370
00:33:13,150 --> 00:33:14,470
nearly dropped the donkey.

371
00:33:15,250 --> 00:33:16,300
Back to the plot.

372
00:33:16,610 --> 00:33:20,470
The chap who has just moved to
Basildon... Or did I say Bridlington?

373
00:33:20,471 --> 00:33:22,209
Well, it could have been either.

374
00:33:22,210 --> 00:33:25,709
But since he's a man who's just got a
job with the Essex County Council, it's

375
00:33:25,710 --> 00:33:27,390
probably best to make it Basildon.

376
00:33:27,970 --> 00:33:29,230
Rather than Bridlington.

377
00:33:29,490 --> 00:33:31,230
Doesn't bloody matter where it was.

378
00:33:31,231 --> 00:33:35,399
The main thing is that one day he is
looking out of his window and coming up

379
00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:39,520
street, he sees a little old man
carrying two enormous heavy boxes, you

380
00:33:39,521 --> 00:33:40,539
one in each hand.

381
00:33:40,540 --> 00:33:43,779
And as he watches the old man, he
struggles up the road with these two

382
00:33:43,780 --> 00:33:46,599
puffing and panting, and he disappears
around the corner. Two hours later, the

383
00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:49,379
chap looks again, and there is the old
man coming back, still gasping for

384
00:33:49,380 --> 00:33:52,619
breath, doubled up with these two
enormous boxes, you see. Well, this goes

385
00:33:52,620 --> 00:33:53,670
day after day.

386
00:33:53,671 --> 00:33:56,659
Every time he happens to look out of the
window, he sees this old man lugging

387
00:33:56,660 --> 00:34:00,319
the two massive boxes about. Well, one
day, the chap has just popped down to

388
00:34:00,320 --> 00:34:01,370
local for a quick one.

389
00:34:01,870 --> 00:34:04,040
But she's out, so he decides to go to
the pub.

390
00:34:05,170 --> 00:34:09,928
On the way, he bumps into the little old
fellow, still staggering along with

391
00:34:09,929 --> 00:34:12,399
these two hefty boxes. He said, excuse
me, he said.

392
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:15,309
He said, you wouldn't have to have the
time on you, would you? And the old man

393
00:34:15,310 --> 00:34:18,789
puts the boxes down and he mops his
brow. He looks at his watch, he says,

394
00:34:18,790 --> 00:34:20,389
he said, it's 12 .15, he said.

395
00:34:20,860 --> 00:34:22,970
In Nairobi, he said it's quarter to
three.

396
00:34:23,080 --> 00:34:25,490
And in Guatemala, he said it's quarter
past six.

397
00:34:25,659 --> 00:34:27,440
Lighting up 10 in Tibet, it's 3 .37.

398
00:34:27,739 --> 00:34:30,179
The temperature in Rangoon is 83
Celsius.

399
00:34:30,739 --> 00:34:33,280
The FT index is up 6 .2.

400
00:34:33,699 --> 00:34:35,139
ICI has put on 25p.

401
00:34:35,140 --> 00:34:38,499
Elizabeth Taylor has lost two and a half
pounds since last Friday.

402
00:34:38,500 --> 00:34:42,500
In New Delhi, England are 205 per six,
with Gatting on 71.

403
00:34:42,501 --> 00:34:45,899
He said the 10 .37 from Clapham to
Bromley is running nine and a half

404
00:34:45,900 --> 00:34:49,919
late. And Sainsbury's pork sausages have
just gone on special offer in Aberdeen

405
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:50,970
at 15.

406
00:34:51,659 --> 00:34:55,698
The chap said, that is incredible. That
is the most amazing watch I have ever

407
00:34:55,699 --> 00:34:58,499
seen in my life. And the old man said, I
know, he said, but these bloody

408
00:34:58,500 --> 00:34:59,760
batteries are killing me.

409
00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:09,060
We're cornered, Corporal.

410
00:35:09,540 --> 00:35:11,650
We should be lucky to get out of here
alive.

411
00:35:12,340 --> 00:35:14,160
Probably later than that, sir. What?

412
00:35:14,460 --> 00:35:16,870
Probably later than five, sir, near a
half hour.

413
00:35:18,330 --> 00:35:20,770
I said get out alive, not get out by
five.

414
00:35:20,771 --> 00:35:24,789
Sorry, sir, it's these guns, sir. I
know. I can't hear, sir, with the guns,

415
00:35:24,790 --> 00:35:28,029
Yes. Are we, sir, are we cut off from
the others here? Yes, I'm afraid we are,

416
00:35:28,030 --> 00:35:32,229
Corporal, yes. We can either lie low
here until morning, or you can find a

417
00:35:32,230 --> 00:35:34,750
vantage point and see if you can spot
the enemy.

418
00:35:35,330 --> 00:35:36,380
What do you say?

419
00:35:36,490 --> 00:35:38,190
Thank you, sir. No, no, no, no.

420
00:35:39,270 --> 00:35:42,410
Oh, well, it's up to you, sir. Yes.

421
00:35:42,411 --> 00:35:45,949
I think you'd better get up a tree and
risk it. Oh, thank you, sir. I could

422
00:35:45,950 --> 00:35:47,000
do with one.

423
00:35:48,940 --> 00:35:50,800
do with a cup of tea and biscuits, sir?

424
00:35:51,180 --> 00:35:53,600
It's a bit of a tree and risk it. Oh.

425
00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:54,850
Oh, dear.

426
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:56,380
Well, go on. Make a start.

427
00:35:56,640 --> 00:35:58,380
Make a start. Make a start.

428
00:35:58,660 --> 00:36:02,080
Make a start. Do I have to repeat every
stupid little word?

429
00:36:02,540 --> 00:36:04,770
Well, it's no need to be personal, sir.
What?

430
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:06,640
Well, calling me that.

431
00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,660
I said stupid little word.

432
00:36:11,240 --> 00:36:13,950
Oh, sorry, sir. I thought you said
something else, sir.

433
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:16,120
Get on with it, corporal.

434
00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:18,540
Sir, sir, I can't... I can't climb
trees, sir.

435
00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:20,920
What? I can't climb trees. Never could.

436
00:36:21,240 --> 00:36:23,530
Ever since I was a small boy at
Wimbledon, sir.

437
00:36:23,531 --> 00:36:27,259
You never told me that, corporal. What's
that, sir? That you were a bald boy at

438
00:36:27,260 --> 00:36:28,310
Wimbledon.

439
00:36:29,500 --> 00:36:31,120
And I've always loved tennis.

440
00:36:31,460 --> 00:36:32,860
Dennis the cook, sir. Oh,

441
00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:38,690
never mind all that. Look, up on the
ridge there is one of our tanks.

442
00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:41,070
You've got to go up and recapture it,
right?

443
00:36:47,970 --> 00:36:50,090
snipers. Anywhere near a tank is a hot
spot.

444
00:36:50,310 --> 00:36:51,990
Oh, I don't think we are, sir. What?

445
00:36:52,070 --> 00:36:54,050
Anywhere near a Lancashire hot pot, sir.

446
00:36:55,790 --> 00:36:57,730
You're obsessed with food, corporal.

447
00:36:58,070 --> 00:37:01,050
Sir, I can't go, sir. Why not?

448
00:37:01,650 --> 00:37:03,030
My gun's gone wonky, sir.

449
00:37:03,910 --> 00:37:06,470
Well, it snows. I'm the same. Don't
worry about it.

450
00:37:08,750 --> 00:37:09,800
No, sir,

451
00:37:10,070 --> 00:37:11,350
my gun, sir. Oh, your gun.

452
00:37:16,460 --> 00:37:19,220
pocket, sir, and it went off half
-cocked, sir.

453
00:37:19,221 --> 00:37:23,459
That's terrible. You'll have to report
to me to them when we get back to

454
00:37:23,460 --> 00:37:26,530
Canterbury. I tell you what, I'll have
to go myself, corporal.

455
00:37:26,700 --> 00:37:31,539
All right, sir. Are you all

456
00:37:31,540 --> 00:37:36,440
right, sir? Of course I'm not all right.

457
00:37:36,441 --> 00:37:37,799
I'm shot.

458
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:39,440
Well, it is, sir. I'm hot too, sir.

459
00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:45,400
Shall I get the stretcher bearer, sir?
No, it's too late for that.

460
00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:48,380
Just go and let me die in peace.

461
00:37:48,660 --> 00:37:49,980
Do you want any gravy, sir?

462
00:37:51,620 --> 00:37:54,300
Gravy? Any gravy on your pie and peas,
sir?

463
00:37:55,140 --> 00:38:00,299
I didn't say go and get me pie and peas.
I said go and let me die in peace. Oh,

464
00:38:00,300 --> 00:38:03,740
sorry. Oh, don't worry about it,
Corporal. You're not such a bad chap.

465
00:38:04,060 --> 00:38:06,660
Thank you, sir. We haven't always seen
eye to eye.

466
00:38:07,100 --> 00:38:08,740
Or ear to ear, for that matter.

467
00:38:09,720 --> 00:38:10,770
It's a gun, sir.

468
00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:14,780
Listen, at least...

469
00:38:15,150 --> 00:38:21,009
At least if you get back alive, when I
get up to heaven, they'll say, out of

470
00:38:21,010 --> 00:38:23,550
this mess, you've saved an ordinary man.

471
00:38:23,830 --> 00:38:24,970
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

472
00:38:25,450 --> 00:38:27,950
Save what, sir? An ordinary man.

473
00:38:28,310 --> 00:38:32,049
Yes, sir, I will. You will what? As soon
as I get back to the mess, sir, I'll

474
00:38:32,050 --> 00:38:33,430
save you a strawberry plant.

475
00:40:07,530 --> 00:40:11,530
It won't please me. Wherever you go, I
can't go to parties.

476
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:13,410
Christmas dinner.

477
00:41:46,280 --> 00:41:47,940
Homer is as loony as the latter.

478
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:50,360
Your hat is on fire.

479
00:41:50,580 --> 00:41:54,280
I'm smoldering with desire for Alice in
her winter underwear.

480
00:41:54,840 --> 00:41:56,080
Winter wonderland.

481
00:41:56,081 --> 00:41:58,199
What did I say there? You said
underwear.

482
00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:03,239
Underwear? No, no, no. Underwear,
ladies' lingerie, peekaboo bras, garters

483
00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:06,130
go -betweens. Did I say all that? Well,
you had that in mind.

484
00:42:06,260 --> 00:42:07,660
Well, I'm not as mad as I look.

485
00:42:08,740 --> 00:42:11,160
I'd rather think I overdid the sherry.

486
00:42:12,020 --> 00:42:14,560
I'm drowsy and definitively drugged.

487
00:42:15,210 --> 00:42:17,830
I'm well beyond the stage of being
merry.

488
00:42:18,150 --> 00:42:21,450
As a hare, I do insist on being young.

489
00:42:21,770 --> 00:42:26,829
There's the cook, and there's the
duchess, trying hard to fall into some

490
00:42:26,830 --> 00:42:27,880
fellow's clutches.

491
00:42:28,270 --> 00:42:30,110
I don't fancy yours.

492
00:42:30,330 --> 00:42:33,910
No, I'd sooner be indoors with Alice in
her winter underwear.

493
00:42:34,610 --> 00:42:37,650
Wonderland! With Alice in her winter
wonderland.

494
00:42:40,770 --> 00:42:46,110
Christmas Eve, oh dear me, got to bed at
half past three. Christmas morning,

495
00:42:46,190 --> 00:42:49,270
kids are up adored. Who gave Willie that
hunting horn?

496
00:42:49,590 --> 00:42:51,490
Christmas Day, state of shock.

497
00:42:51,730 --> 00:42:55,730
Try a snifter at ten o 'clock. Knock
back another one, then another five.

498
00:42:56,030 --> 00:42:57,750
Stop that goose, I'm still alive.

499
00:43:00,090 --> 00:43:04,430
Christmas lunch, pour more wine, more
mince pies, I'm feeling fine.

500
00:43:04,690 --> 00:43:08,830
Knick -knack, six -pack bucket full of
beer. I'll go here with Christmas cheer.

501
00:43:19,790 --> 00:43:23,870
Let's play postman's knock again.

502
00:43:23,871 --> 00:43:27,669
Knock, knock, nicky -nack, knickers in a
twist. The queen of hearts, she looks

503
00:43:27,670 --> 00:43:28,720
quite pleased.

504
00:43:30,490 --> 00:43:35,010
One more gin, no more lime. Let's play
sardines one more time.

505
00:43:35,290 --> 00:43:37,210
Perfect strangers disappear in pairs.

506
00:43:37,350 --> 00:43:39,090
Joseph Davis, wife upstairs.

507
00:43:41,390 --> 00:43:45,590
Half past two, time for bed. Let's knock
Christmas on the head.

508
00:43:45,910 --> 00:43:51,450
Knick -knack, pretty wax sleep is on the
way. Start again on Boxing Day.

509
00:43:53,470 --> 00:43:57,450
This dinner has been going on for five
days, off with everyone's heads.

510
00:43:57,710 --> 00:44:00,790
Perhaps you'd care to watch some more
television, my dear.

511
00:44:01,050 --> 00:44:02,750
I don't think I could take any more.

512
00:44:03,090 --> 00:44:04,140
No, I know.

513
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:06,940
been altogether too much TV this
Christmas.

514
00:44:07,760 --> 00:44:13,799
On the twelve days of Christmas we've
seen upon TV twelve hours of snooker,

515
00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:19,120
eleven hours of bowling, ten curry
peaches, nine Polish dramas, eight

516
00:44:19,240 --> 00:44:25,839
seven brides and brothers, six Nolan
sisters, four Bill and Dean, four

517
00:44:25,840 --> 00:44:31,979
what it's worth, three to one, to the
manor boy, and a speech from the dear

518
00:44:31,980 --> 00:44:33,030
queen.

519
00:44:33,031 --> 00:44:38,289
other queen, my dear, you know, the one
on the stamps. How would you know? You

520
00:44:38,290 --> 00:44:39,490
didn't even see it.

521
00:44:40,470 --> 00:44:42,850
You missed the speech from Buckingham
Palace.

522
00:44:44,730 --> 00:44:47,010
I'm sorry, my dear, I was out with
Alice.

523
00:44:48,750 --> 00:44:53,629
I must say I didn't rate it much. It
wasn't a patch on Starsky and Hud or

524
00:44:53,630 --> 00:44:55,850
Dallas.

525
00:44:59,470 --> 00:45:01,590
Let's not bother with TV, shall us?

526
00:45:03,330 --> 00:45:05,630
It's either the ballet or Maria Callas.

527
00:45:07,210 --> 00:45:11,750
I think I'll give the ballet a miss. I'd
rather watch Fulham at home to Chris.

528
00:45:13,490 --> 00:45:14,540
To Palace.

529
00:45:17,710 --> 00:45:20,150
It's much more fun at this Christmas
dinner.

530
00:45:21,730 --> 00:45:24,170
The turkey this year's an absolute
winner.

531
00:45:25,730 --> 00:45:30,210
If you're talking turkey, I hope you're
aware the king of turkey's over there.

532
00:45:32,660 --> 00:45:33,710
Beautiful.

533
00:45:35,820 --> 00:45:36,920
Off with his head.

534
00:45:37,340 --> 00:45:41,439
I don't advise it, my dear. He'll
probably run around the farmyard for

535
00:45:41,440 --> 00:45:44,720
afterwards. Anyway, there's nobody left
to carry out the orders.

536
00:45:45,100 --> 00:45:46,420
Where's the white rabbit?

537
00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:47,880
He was the third course.

538
00:45:48,400 --> 00:45:50,120
Oh, so he was. Delicious.

539
00:45:51,280 --> 00:45:55,190
Well, where's the neighbour Farts? He's
taken some tarts off to the pictures.

540
00:45:55,880 --> 00:45:58,260
This party is getting out of hand.

541
00:45:59,340 --> 00:46:03,379
as two fat boys with the end of the
table out eating everything in sight.

542
00:46:03,380 --> 00:46:04,760
with their knives and forks.

543
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:13,499
We're tweedledum and tweedledee. We're
not really twins as you can see. He's

544
00:46:13,500 --> 00:46:17,260
smaller than me. He's fatter than me.
And we both like filling our faces.

545
00:46:17,520 --> 00:46:22,319
We're tweedledee and tweedledum. He's my
friend. He's my chum. We're boarding

546
00:46:22,320 --> 00:46:25,680
away and filling our down like a couple
of properties. Crazy.

547
00:46:25,940 --> 00:46:28,040
Just chips and chips and cheese souffle.

548
00:46:28,280 --> 00:46:30,080
Scallops and dollops of liver pate.

549
00:46:30,340 --> 00:46:34,320
Corn on the cob and creme brulee. We're
bound to be sick in the morning.

550
00:46:36,640 --> 00:46:38,820
There's ham and halibut, haddock and
hake.

551
00:46:39,080 --> 00:46:41,000
Pickles and prawns, sausage and steak.

552
00:46:41,140 --> 00:46:44,920
Truffles and trifles of dipsy cake. We
might go off bang without warning.

553
00:46:49,620 --> 00:46:54,319
Right, that's it. If people are going to
start exploding, then that's the end of

554
00:46:54,320 --> 00:46:57,660
it. It's Alice's fault. Off with her
head. All six of them.

555
00:47:05,540 --> 00:47:07,080
See you next time.

556
00:47:30,090 --> 00:47:36,329
We're so glad you could stay on your
Christmas day with us in our winter

557
00:47:36,330 --> 00:47:38,170
wonderland.

558
00:47:39,230 --> 00:47:45,730
In our Christmas winter wonderland.

559
00:47:58,570 --> 00:47:59,730
you late items of news.

560
00:47:59,731 --> 00:48:03,489
A turkey which escaped this morning from
its pen in Norfolk and managed to get

561
00:48:03,490 --> 00:48:08,369
airborne was judged to be the world's
unluckiest bird when it flew 37 miles

562
00:48:08,370 --> 00:48:11,320
then dropped exhausted into Bernard
Matthews' backyard.

563
00:48:14,470 --> 00:48:20,289
Thieves! Thieves who stole 28 ,000
Christmas crackers containing hats,

564
00:48:20,290 --> 00:48:24,750
and silly jokes are tonight being sought
by the police and Little and Large.

565
00:48:28,620 --> 00:48:32,879
Finally, finally, due to heavy fog
tonight in central London, Peter Pan

566
00:48:32,880 --> 00:48:35,590
land and had to be diverted to
Manchester Opera House.

567
00:48:35,980 --> 00:48:40,499
Next week, in a festive mood, we'll be
taking you out of the studio to where

568
00:48:40,500 --> 00:48:45,259
Grand Order of Water Rats and the cast
of The Mousetrap are having a cheese and

569
00:48:45,260 --> 00:48:46,310
cheese party.

570
00:48:46,311 --> 00:48:50,359
And I'll be meeting the temp who did
some typing for Santa Claus but couldn't

571
00:48:50,360 --> 00:48:54,030
resist a bit of the ho -ho -ho, and now
she's in the Christmas Pudding Club.

572
00:48:54,031 --> 00:48:59,129
It's a Merry Christmas from me. And a
Happy New Year from him. Good night.

573
00:48:59,130 --> 00:49:03,680
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